Getting Real

So I read a post on Facebook and shared it and if we are friends then you have seen it but if we are not then let me give you my take on the post. (Picture from Dresden, Germany as a reflection of what I have been through and conquering it)


It was talking about taking a pregnancy test and how having issues with infertility can make this a daunting task. The author of the post talks about false hopes in that the lines will change over hours or days and going back to just check. She talks about the dream of coming up with something catchy to tell friends and family they are expecting and also the pain and jealousy of see friends post their announcement.

This post spoke to me so much that I had to write my own thoughts. And you have also been warned that this is real and true feelings that I struggle with almost every day.

My periods can be regular to irregular it changes month to month. I would always wait a week after it was suppose to start before taking a test sometimes I couldn't wait that long and would take one sooner but as time went on I would try to wait longer. It was always negative sometime I thought I could see a faint line but then I switched to digital and still negative. I would do the same thing and wait a few minutes, hours, days and check it again but of course nothing. Most times my period would start the very next day and then I would get depressed and want to stay in bed or just in the house for ever but I would only allow myself a day or two.

It got harder and harder and every month the same thing and the depression got worse and I became angry. Anything would set me off and I would be mad for days. I was blinded to why but as time went on and I started to pray more my eyes were open and I needed to change. I hated getting mad all the time and it started to effect my relationships. I hope my friends never saw it but I honestly don't know and if they had I am sorry! Phill or my dogs took the brunt of it and thankfully we have moved passed that.

The stress and depression ate at me and when I would be in these ruts I would eat anything and everything unhealthy and not care. I did though, I didn't want to be unhealthy but I didn't know what to do. I gained a lot of weight and with having PCOS I knew that it would be easy to gain weight and even harder to loose it. Another thing to make me upset.

But now I do not take a test. I am still learning to give this part to God but I try not to even think about what happens each month. It is a lot easier to just sink into a hole and not come out but I don't like too nor do I want to live like that. Things are still far from being easy to handle but I stay busy and it helps some. (Picture from Sterling Castle in Scotland, because I love the way the sun is shinning on a cloudy day)

Kristin Earwood